The Magic Of The Face

I am not a "celebrity" and I don't claim to have all of the answers, but I have battled depression for as long as I can remember. I know it is something we don't "Talk" about. We don't share. We must hide it and pretend that everything is OK and that we don't need help just BEING. At least, that was how I was raised. We can't ask for help, we shouldn't have to take some form of a chemical to help us cope, and if we do, we are vilified. The reality is that 'mental illness' is not something to be ashamed of and I refuse to hide it. I am not "crazy", and I am not dangerous. I don't have thoughts of harming others. My emotions are more than I can manage sometimes, and I have "the mean reds". *movie reference that should be resolved on your own.  I require medication to help me maintain BALANCE. I am not numb, I am PRESENT, I just need to be able to be present and not want to cry or hide or just turn away from the...

Has turned into my treasure trove of Random memories of the 'Rent's insanity and humor and just plain 'Rentness.  I have read back over several posts and while painful they were also very uplifting. It is amazing how much you can love someone in spite of or maybe because of the history you share. I have been off the grid for over two years and it has been a long hard road. All the years I thought I was struggling with the 'Rent was just child's play. I won't go into gory unnecessary details of what the last year was like, but I will get on my soap box for one moment. You don't have to smoke to get COPD but it helps. STOP. Just stop. I have lost family to cancer and there is no 'Contest' here but they are both in equal measure their own path through hell. If you love someone and you smoke, I beg of you to stop because whatever it is doing to your body, no one you love is prepared emotionally to watch it. That being said, I am starting to get my fe...

I get rid of the freaky serial killer and get stuck with a Jack Wagon of EPIC MAGNITUDE. How are we a Wagon? Let me count the ways. A) We like to inform everyone else about what a poor job EVERYONE before us has done, even if the everyone else WAS the persons performing said job. B) No matter the process, WE HAVE A BETTER WAY TO DO IT EVEN IF IT TAKES 5Xs longer. C) If you ask me for a time estimate, I shall ensure you fall asleep with my long ass explanation before ever actually getting to a point. D) We are married to someone who is at least 15 years our junior and 5 hotness points above my 2, and everyone at the cube-farm just scratches their head. E) We are not big on personal hygiene. F) Our office is kind enough to let us wear FLIP FLOPS (yes you read that right) since we live on the Earthly Plane of hell and I like to take my shoes off at my desk for no reason. I am sure there is more I am forgetting, but Those would be the top half dozen reasons right there.

I share a e-library with the 'Rent and I have never thought much about what I get to read, because we tend to read the same stuff. I read more Science Fiction than she does but I usually have to load and or clear her reader so I don't give her Sci Fi as a rule. Based on my last sentence and all previous interaction, I was unaware that the 'Rent even knew how to load the e-reader. Apparently I would be wrong. I follow several pages on social media sites that offer a listing each day of free e-books. Some days I read the summary before I select my brand of e-reader for the free download, and some days I just take it all. BUYER BEWARE THIS IS A BAD PRACTISE UNLESS YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO USES YOUR LIBRARY. Apparently on one of the "TAKE IT ALL" days I happened to get something I will refer to as "racy". I don't tend to read these because it makes me sad that my life is not that romantic or sexy or anything. Some of it is just plain badly writte...

I have seen how the world ends, and it is in the form of 4 innocent, free, Chicken Nuggets. Obviously not in the literal sense, but had you been in my vehicle with me this past weekend with the 'Rent who was the lucky recipient of said Nuggets? Let us just say, the existential angst that these FREE nuggets caused, I really have no words for the trauma. We got our hairs did on Sunday and on the way home we stopped at (insert name of fast food chain) who shall remain nameless to protect the innocent. The order was placed. The beverages were passed into the car (this was not without great confusion and trauma on the part of the server). The 'Rent struggled with the straw wrappers so I had to help with that task. Not sure what was up with that. My sibling had called during our hair doings, so I made the attempt to call her back. Note, this whole time she is on the speaker in the car, but the following happens because really, why would you let me conduct a full call? As t...

I am sure many of you have seen the meme going around "Not my circus, Not my monkeys." My catch phrase this week has been, "It IS my circus, and My Monkeys CAN FLY". I have spent a lifetime of coming to terms with people in my world that I truly love, but I just can't make myself like them. Don't get me wrong, I am well aware that I am also on the receiving end of those sentiments and I can live with that. We are instructed to love our fellow human beings, I am pretty sure it is the premise of all religions. I don't think there is anything about the liking of them. My week began with the 'Rent-in-law arriving on Monday. The total time he was alone between when my spouse goes to bed for work and I get done with my work day and drive the house to my house was about 2 hours. I walked into my home into the FUMES of booze and to find my 'Rent-in-law so stinking drunk I could hardly understand him. Let me add to this little vignette, the guest in q...

I have spent the last year walking my mother to her grave, and it finally dawned on me quite recently (sometimes I can be a little slow), that she is still here. In spite of all of the reasons health wise she should not be, and by some unexplained miracle of her sheer will to survive, she is. I had to stop walking her to the grave and just walk with her. I can't even explain the mental toll I have allowed this whole process to take on me. We as a family have lost so many people in our lives, it took me almost a year to realize I was mourning someone who is still here, and not only that but losing the time I DO HAVE. Pulling one's head out of your own ass is harder than you think... Ask me and I can share that struggle. It still goes on daily but I am making a conscious effort to do it! Once I saw the sunshine again and not the inside of my own little bubble of misery I found my humor again. I don't think I am extraordinary in the least, but I always had a sparkle in ...

This all should really have come before the Congress post, but, well, Congress was in session, so forming coherent thought was not really an option until I got all of the various parties settled for the time being. I need to start this whole 'Rent-In-Law story by setting the scene, so you can fully comprehend where my brain and emotions were prior to the Unexpected, Unannounced visit. Let me preface this preface with the 'Rent-In-Law, having been here at Thanksgiving stated in no uncertain terms, that we were EXPLICITLY not to send an invitation to him for our niece's wedding because it would not be used, no way no how. The Spousal Unit and I have an early May anniversary. As I may have mentioned previously we work on opposite shifts so we see each other, quite literally, less than 24 waking hours in a whole week. The anniversary fell on a weeknight, and so I was not really going to see him with the exception of the hour that he gets up and gets ready for work. I ...

I have a friend who told me once that all of the crazy that goes on with our internal voices is called Congress being in session. Mine is in full swing. There has been so much going on in the world at large, but being the misogynistic ass I am, most of what I have been thinking about has been MY STUFF. Random thoughts really. Many Many Many Random Thoughts. I know I am flawed. Hell, I am not flawed, I am downright broken. We all are. We are all these hollow cracked shells that hide the internal soup of life that we are. I don't know how anyone can make it to adulthood without cracks, and if they have, then more power to them. Personally, I want to add some antiquing medium to mine to give them more character. And I am not ashamed of being broken. I am exactly the way I am supposed to be. I am beautiful in my brokenness, just like we all are. Still dealing with the steady decline of the 'Rent's health. The emotional toll it is taking on me is much greater than I let on...

Don't you wish you could rewind time for just a moment? Go back to the age where a temper tantrum would get you  banished from a group or to your room for a moment of peace? Well you still can, but technically as an adult that is called being an asshole, and generally you lose more than some time. You lose respect, dignity and if you are lucky, not all of your friends.  I have to admit lately, not that anyone has said or done anything to deserve it, but I really feel like being an asshole and driving everyone away. I feel a rage building inside that I am not sure I can explain. Nah, that's not true, I can explain it. It just sounds like I have been an asshole my whole life, at least the version in my head versus who I am today based on the circumstances of my life such as they are now. And taking that into consideration and explaining it makes me sound like a selfish whiny shit.  If you have read even one thing I have written about the 'Rent, then you know th...

As we age, we are often presented with situations that will test us, will push us, and will make us stand up, or fall. The last two weeks have forced me to do some of this and be the victim of some of it, mostly because of the memory of the man who raised me. I don't misuse the word raised. In every sense of the word, my father did just that. I was fortunate enough to have him in my day to day life from a much earlier period in my life than my siblings and that had a profound effect on the woman I am today. I know many people would say this same thing, I just wonder if their reasons would be the same. My father was my parent, my teacher, my warden, my hero, my friend. Mostly my friend even when I didn't feel that way. He came from Czechoslovakia on a boat to escape war torn Europe as a young boy of 8. He didn't speak English. His parents, his sister and he were brought over by family. Sounds nice, right? Wrong. They were brought over as manual labor. They worked lo...

Howdy all (or few...) it has been a while. Work has been so crazy for the last several months that it hasn't left a whole lot of room for Life. Another reason for the long delay is that, while it is always fun to relate the latest insanity perpetrated by the 'Rent, the reality is my Mother is dying. I know I have said this in the past. But lately the decline has become more evident daily and it is harder and harder to pretend that this is a "some time down the road" thing. In light of that fact, making fun of her in print seems petty and mean spirited. I am many things but mean spirited is not one of my finer qualities. This is not to say I won't document some epic stupidity of hers should the need arise, but most likely we are going to be quiet for a while. I feel like I need to figure out how to deal with this new reality that I am facing. I never in a million years thought I would be my mother's end of life care taker, nor did I think I would be deal...

Has anyone else heard that schools are doing away with Cursive Writing? I recall struggling to master this as a child and never truly succeeding but I don't think it should be completely removed from our knowledge base. I mean, in theory there COULD be some global magnetic pulse that would take out all electronics... In which case it might be handy to have a form of writing know one knows how to read at our finger tips so to speak? No? Just me? M'kay. This comes to mind because the 'Rent writes her entire grocery list in spidery script. There is an entire sight test prior to launch to ensure we understand exactly WHAT each item on the list is before we leave the house. Mind you, she usually has several lists going at any given time. Due to her limited locomotive abilities it is pretty important to make sure we can get what she needs when she needs it. There is one item on her lists, however, that is apparently an ever changing target that we (the spouse and I) can neve...

This weekend the spouse and I got to go visit with some friends that we made that have moved away. We met in the "middle" as it were, in The Big Easy. The weekend was going to be a grand adventure of touring and epic photos and food. It was very little of that, but it was AWESOME in its random amusement. I am a HUGE fan of people watching, and if you like this pass time as much as I do, YOU REALLY NEED TO GO TO BOURBON STREET. Yes, that Bourbon Street. Seriously. There is so much epic human behavior it is breath taking. Not just there, but the whole New Orleans experience. You just have to walk around and be alert to the folks around you. It. Will. Not. Disappoint. Let me ask a simple question. Beyond the tragedy of Katrina, what does anyone know of New Orleans? That there is good food? Check! That there is debauchery to be seen and or participate in? Check! That it is a good family vacation destination? Check??? Hold that thought. We arrived Saturday afternoon and the ...

This past week I was sent on a trip for work. The trip was to Nebraska. Having never been there, I wasn't sure what to expect. What I found was nice and clean. Nice people. It isn't any more in the middle of nowhere than where I reside in the South. I got to see a different type of Sports Madness, and it was nice to see that regardless of location, sports Faithful support their teams no mater the sport or location. It was a nicely homey feeling so far from home. The hotel was decent, with an attached restaurant that provided good food at a reasonable price. Let me preface any further statement with the fact that while I am not opposed to travel, I don't do it for work. It was never part of my job. But they asked and I agreed, so a fast and furious client trip was the agenda. The facial interaction on the trips out was there, but nothing out of the ordinary. The trip home however... My coworker and I get to the airport, and we work for several hours pre-flight, becaus...

I was going to give a friend this honorific, but I found myself this very evening claiming the title for myself. The 'Rent: "You know, Galaxy comes out on DVD today. But I don't see it on P.P.V." Me: "Okay." (I should note that I was NOT paying attention at this time...) Me: "Wait. What are you talking about? What movie?" The 'Rent: "Galaxy. Or something like that. The one about space?" Me: "You mean Gravity?" The 'Rent: "Oh, yes. Gravity." Me: "Um. OK, well..... Just because it has come out on DVD doesn't always mean it comes out on the movie channels right away. It may be a few days." In all fairness, once I blurted out the movie title she did laugh. I feel like I am playing some game of guess the thought.... I only have one problem with that. I was never told the rules.

After a long week of three days where Wednesday felt like a week of Mondays. I am sitting on the couch in the 'Rent's house. I am tired, and barely processing mentally at this point. Conversation randomly turns to the weather, as the winter season has been full of WTF in that department. As I stated, barely processing here... The 'Rent begins commenting on the freakishly warm weather at the Olympics. The 'Rent: "Putnam said, where else can you go swimming and skiing all on one day." My brain stopped listening after Putnam.... WHO THE HELL IS PUTNAM? I sat and thought and thought and nothing was coming to mind. I stared at the 'Rent with the Blank Face and she stops talking and says..... 'Rent: "What?"  Me: "Putnam? Who the hell is Putnam?" 'Rent: "I said Putim." Me: "Putim?" 'Rent: "Putin." Um. I can't even argue. It is a five letter name and we still got it wrong?

I do believe that I have mentioned previously that I live in the South. I was one of the fortunate souls in Birmingham that got to spend a night away from home due to snow. The story in my case, is NOT the snow, but the evening spent in the company of strangers. Some stranger than others. I am fortunate that I work with my 4 best friends and while being stuck at work OVER NIGHT is just about as bad as you can imagine, but 3 of my 4 best friends stuck with me. I also happen to work with some really great people, many that I feel lucky enough to call friend, some that are acquaintances, and apparently some folks that like to get their freak on when they are trapped at work with veritable strangers. The gist of the story is that the forecast for our area was that we were to get a dusting of snow. Let me just preface this with the fact that in Alabama, if someone says snow, it is cause for panic and mayhem. The fact that we were caught so completely unaware is testament to the faith ...

As we age we are the sum of all of our experiences. For most of us there are scars we carry into adulthood that we learn to incorporate into who we are as we move forward, and sometimes it isn't that simple. In the last decade, as each year passes I find that I have gone from feeling uncomfortable in my skin to liking who I am. Finally. What other people think does cause me pause on some level, but not enough to not be who I am now. The point of this is, that growing up I had a VERY difficult relationship with the 'Rent, and would never have dreamed that she would be living with me, let alone having any type of meaningful resolution to our differences. I made a choice. I could carry all of the meh around and make myself sad, angry, mean, bitter (you get the idea), or I could let it go and make an effort each day to build something from nothing. I don't know if the 'Rent makes the same choices, but I CAN MAKE THEM FOR ME. So each day I get another chance to spend tim...

This is neither Magical Face nor a tale of 'Rent woe. This is how the spouse and I caught and killed a mouse. Let me preface this by also stating that we have 4 CATS. In spite of the mouse being in the house for what I NOW realize as being a week. A week, of a mouse in MY HOUSE with 4 cats that did nothing but sit and stare at inanimate objects for all of that time. They were on alert but did nothing to let the two legged house inhabitants know that something was not as it should be. Last Thursday night the cats went from staring at the fridge to staring at the vacuum. And staring. And staring. And staring. I moved the vacuum and saw nothing amiss. My spouse moved the vacuum and saw nothing amiss. Apparently the spouse is more determined than I am to figure out the feline mind as he moved the vacuum again and low and behold there was the live and scared to immobility, mouse. I will add that the felines have a bad time of losing their catnip mice under furniture that they ca...