The Magic Of The Face

While we were away on vacation, the 'rent took ill. It was probably nothing more than a summer cold, but let us review the facts...... The 'rent is older. The 'rent is not in the best of health as a general rule. The 'rent is on an oxygen concentrator. The 'rent has had pneumonia in the last year. Total of the facts equals the 'rent should NOT IGNORE A COMMON COLD and just hope it goes away like a normal, relatively healthy adult. When she got sick, the sibling and I both voiced the concern that we should call her doctor and have a prescription called in, since we were only at the beach and not on the moon. Pharmacies even exist where we were. CLOSE BY EVEN. We were vetoed. When we got home, on Saturday, BOTH the sibling and I told her she had to call the doctor's office on Monday morning. Oh no. This will pass. By Wednesday she is coughing up a lung and FINALLY CALLS the doctor. They put her on heavy duty antibiotics. Alas, at this point the bug ha...

There haven't been too many times in my life where I thought, HOLY SHIT is this for real? Where is the camera, because I must be on Candid Camera (or Punk'd for those of the under 30 set). Yesterday was one of those days. For the record, my dear, dear, dear friend has this on any family event. For the love of all that is holy please bless her with your prayers because I promise you, there is nothing to compare to what, or I should say, WHO I met yesterday. My friend's child was graduating High School yesterday. He is her one and only, she is dealing with in-laws, out-laws, and step-laws.... you name it, so to say it was going to be a mixed bag is an understatement. As with any family there is, of course, dysfunction. Apparently there is a certain member of this small sub-sect of hers who has been studied and defined in order for the definition to be honed to perfection. For the last several weeks my friend has been torturing herself. She wants to please everyone with no...

I had one of those experiences yesterday that took my brain several seconds to catch up to my eyes. Thank heavens my mouth did not engage before my brain did, which is usually the case. I was roaming in the cube farm as I needed to enlighten some folks about some stupidity abounding. No one was around, and I happened to pass a specific pen, when I noticed the usually empty chair occupied. I say usually because said dweller has been out for surgery for a while. I have experienced similar surgery and would not trade places with this person for missing three months of drudgery for anything. Ever. It sucked that  bad. Anyway, since the pen has been empty for so long I was startled to see someone in residence. That is NOT what left me speechless. The offending item was the resident's hair. It, in point of fact, caused a WTF moment if there ever was one. I am no spring chicken, and I know there are days when I probably look like I got dressed in the dark or forgot to c...

Me: "OK Mom, I loaded two series of books on your e-reader for you. I read them first so you have to reset them to the beginning and they are in alphabetical order not order to read in the series, so you have to look at the titles." Mom: "OK, thank you." 24 hours later. . . . Me: "Hey Mom, did you start reading those books I loaded for you?" Mom: "Yes I am reading the one with <insert character name here>." Me: "Um, that is book 6 or 7 in the end of the series. Did you not listen to what I said yesterday?" Mom: "Well it was the first book in the list." Me: "Let me reset that for you and put the first book at the top for now. They are still in alphabetical order so you are going to have to go to the cover and look at what it says." Me (face plant into palm).

Coming back from vacation is never easy. When you take a whole week? It starts to feel like trying to swallow your own head, ain't gonna happen. You feel like you can't quite catch up. Information, that in your mind seems vital, you somehow seem to get left out of the loop so there is yet more catching up to do. AND THEN you get more items thrown in your general direction of which you have no ability and or time to handle. TA DAH! I find myself thinking, "I took a vacation why?" When you get back there are TWO TONS of Crap waiting and your thick outer coating of Protective Crap Deflection Material has disolved in the vacation solvent. You are then left treading crap, angry and wishing vacation either continued forever or never happened. Because quite frankly this total immersion back into this routine of dreck simply isn't worth it. Self restraint is extremely fragile when you are in this state. I don't really believe that yelling random profanities at...

So Sunday, we go to the big consumer home improvement store, because the decision has been made that having a front door completely made of glass that anyone can look in at any time makes one of us very uncomfortable. While there we find out that yes indeed we can get a glass insert with the mini blinds between the two panes of glass to replace what we currently have. I also got to hear about two teenage male children. Their sexual escapades with one partner *not at the same time, thanks for that detail. The many pets that are owned. The previous drug addiction that has been conquered. The current living situation with the partner's parent who has dementia. ETC. Yep. All of this while getting a door window replacement. MAGIC I TELL YA,

So we are just settling down for a long evening of TV and no thinking. Counting dots while drinking? Not on the agenda. Apparently the 'rent had other ideas. As she lay passively on the chaise lounge, she said, "I guess we aren't playing dominoes." Not once. Not twice. Not three times. OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. So being the strongly emotional and determined women we are, we all said. . .  OK. While sitting at the table trying to do three things at once. . . . . I keep hearing my name called to "your turn!", yes I am aware, believe it or not, I heard the domino hostage to the right of me put her play down on the glass top table. In all fairness the 'rent has been stuck on the second floor of the house either looking at the ocean or reading. She can't get around so a little time dedicated to her should not be so begrudgingly given. Some habits are hard to break. Being resentful of time spent with her is apparently one of mine. I sho...

In the continuing 'rent saga we have the reached the poor pitiful me stage. My sibling has gone OUT OF HER WAY to ensure the 'rent, if she could not get on the beach because of breathing issues and stairs, can LOOK AT THE BEACH from our balcony. In the house. We are staying in. ON THE BEACH. After two days we are in the "no one has to stay with me, you go on down, I will just sit here by myself and watch you all.", or my other favorite, " I should have stayed home, you would have more fun without me.", stage. WELL DUH?!?!? If you refuse to take part in any joy or fun, then yes we would have indeed had more fun without you. If you insist on embracing the suck, you make it very difficult for anyone to want to embrace you and or time with you. Here is the latest WTF moment. Last evening she was being sullen. Does she want to take a shower? "There is no place for me to hold on to." We can put in a chair for her to sit in. "NO, I will take i...

So we take a family vacation. My sister, nieces, some various and sundry friends and THE 'RENT. Yes, we even bring the 'rent on vacation. To the beach. On oxygen. And bascially dependent upon everyone else to do everything for her. Yeah. The brain trust hauled her and her two oxygen concentrators to the beach. We get her up a flight of stairs. A. LONG. FLIGHT. OF. STAIRS. (Again, breathing issues)... Get her settled. Make a grocery list for all of the items we didn't get prior to our drive and then made a plan to go to the store. See, that was the FAIL right there. We made a plan. Outloud. Where the 'rent could hear. And for some reason, beyond my ability or my sibling's ability to fathom, the 'rent has decided that we must ALL GO to the store. All being, Sibling, Mom, The Oxygen Concentrator, and I, the resident unpaid servant to the 'rent. AND our portable wheelchair in case wherever we end up does not have "carts o' terror" we ...

I am not sure I have words to describe this experience. The only thing I can say is it was BF moments from the time we got to the hair salon. We being the 'rent, the visiting Uncle and I. In some ways I actually get where the 'rent's mind is, that when you see yourself in your head, you don't see what the mirror will show you, but your own Image of who you are and what you looked like at some point in your life. Your brain has chosen this Avatar for you to always be there when you need a reference of self. I know mine is somewhere in the mid 20's and about 1/2 my current weight, but the concept is the same. Apparently the 'rent's is ALSO somewhere in her mid 20's with, more hair, no wrinkles (I can't even go here without sounding like the worst child in the world) and the ability to do everything she did back then. In other words, if my image is a FAIL, hers would be CATASTROPHIC FAIL. For some reason she has decided that we are BFFs (and not bla...

Lately the 'rent has been pushing me to the edge of sanity with a gentle shove to try and help me over. I have resisted and last night made that self control all worth while.. . . . Imagine if you will, a cool summer evening in the South. Bugs singing, a slight cool breeze blowing, a touch of humidity in the air, and over it all, you hear the sound of softballs being smacked with metal bats. Applause, cheers, groans. You get the picture. Since the visiting Uncle is a former umpire and loves to watch our nieces play softball, and they had a game, my evening was given over to playing driver for he and the 'rent to watch them play some summer co-ed softball. We would do this anyway since it is one of my favorite pass times. We have a traveling wheelchair for the 'rent which fits in my trunk perfectly, but no, we are going to sit in the car and watch from the parking lot (we being she). One issue. This is your classic field set up in a park with four fields, home plate to t...

The balancing act between the roll of being a child and spouse in one abode is a rickety, rotted bridge to hell. This is usually a smooth paved road unless you make the fateful mistake of moving the 'rent in with you. Until that time, you have the luxury of space and avoidance in your favor. Once you share a roof, you are SCREWED. I know this first hand and while I am doing what I promised I would do, I suggest you look at the long term return on your promises because believe me, the coin for the ferry man is STEEP. The only advice I would offer up at this date, since more and more of you are going to be facing the same choice I have made is I hope you can put the 'rents up elsewhere. Even being best friends with your 'rents, don't move them in with you if you have a choice. JUST. DON'T. DO. IT. If you value your sanity, and your marriage, walk away. Hell, let them disown you, they will eventually forgive and forget, and with any luck by that time they will be liv...

We have an Uncle visiting us, he is not really OUR uncle in the blood family sense of the word, but still an Uncle in the round about, convoluted way we all have as part of our lives. The joy of this person is that he is a real as it gets. And sometimes he is TOO REAL. Last night would be one of those times. He is the sibling of MY sibling's Mother-in-law. See, told ya, convoluted. In all fairness, when we were still living in the North East quadrant of the ol' US of A, we spent a lot of time with him and became good enough friends that we have no discomfort inviting him to come stay with us. Let us just say he is a wee eccentric. That is probably a mild understatement, but he has a heart of gold and is usually funny to be around. The usually part comes in last night. I don't know how the conversation got started, but somehow the words, "I LIKE TITTIES!" get hurtled into the listening atmosphere of our living room. (He is 70 by the way and as far as I can te...

My mother does not have mental issues in the clinical sense. She is not in need of medication (technically) nor is she a danger to herself or others (physically), but she IS CRAZY. I wish I could say that perhaps her mind is failing her in her older age, and maybe it is starting to and we are missing the signs, but there isn't any indication of that. I think that she is plain old CRAZY. Age has this way of making folks really impatient for doing or going or getting or whatever, IMMEDIATELY. DO IT NOW, or suffer the wrath of the hairy eyeball, translation ugly stare of venom filled angst *and so far I have not seen an elderly person that does not do this* . The 'rent is no exception, in fact she might be the definition of impatience. I will take plenty of ownership on this one. I am lazy when it comes time to do certain things for her. Mostly because I am tired, work full time +, clean my house and still take care of most of the things in her house. So when she ...

Our adventure begins with our intrepid cube dweller going to the Nail Salon to get her nails done. She is going to a new nail salon to save time. This one is right around the corner from her cube farm containment facility. It is clean, well lit, quite populated even. The technicians are all polite, fast little beings that fly through pedicures, manicures. fill ins, full sets, eyebrow waxes, the list goes on and on. Our dweller sits down at one of their tables. They begin the process of making her hands look pretty again, rather than the stubby little no nails she was sporting for a while. Half way through the mindless chatter that accompanies this transaction, since for some reason the technicians in these establishments all insist on small talk, the technician asks, "Are you mixed?" The dweller responds, "I'm sorry?" (with the BLANK FACE, RCA DOG LOOK) "Are you American or are you a mix?" "Well, (insert really long awkward pause) yes I am,...

Apparently there are some people in residence at work who have only the above referenced speeds. When you are the designated traffic controller, this makes for cube farm TURF RAGE. I know we are under staffed, and over worked. I get it. I know we have most of our resources overseas who work a different shift. I know that while those people strive to get the job done. . .  Most of the time this is a fail. My issue is none of that. Or at the very least, that is a small portion of my rage generation. The main cause of the rage is that I am aware that certain folks purposely drag their asses around and do the bare minimum in a day to prove a point. They want to prove that we don't have enough people to get ALL of the work done. The issue this creates for me is that I spend a great deal of time either moving at hummingbird speed, or asleep in the trees waiting for the sunrise that is my part of the task to occur so I can go back to flitting from...

As I have previously indicated, I always wanted to grow old gracefully, or at least age without caving to the cutting and tugging of existing extra skin into new interesting and abnormal shapes. I really have no desire to have someone say, "She looks like a CAT!" or "She looks really surprised!" when I walk by. That being said, this morning, due to pets playing "Cabinet thudding dinner demand" at 2:30 AM, the luggage under my eyes seem like it could do with a little nip tuckage. And while I am at it, I think I would like, thinner thighs, a less round stomach, and maybe a new nose. Seriously, I have had enough non plastic surgeries now that regardless of how bad I look (in the mirror, it isn't like I think I look like a troll or anything) I could never go for the plastic surgery route. Not that I have anything against it. If someone wants to do it, for whatever their reasons are, go for it. I just don't want to deal with swelling, pain, stitches...