Out with the old.......

So the calendar year is moments away from coming to a close. And the whole cycle starts over again. For some strange reason, we as a people put all of our hopes and dreams of being able to be better, newer, shinier versions of ourselves if we can JUST start on the first of the year.

The reality is that we are evolving and changing in ways we never imagined each and every day. We just stop and think on this night of nights that we get a new start, clean slate, Do Over, whatever you want to call it.

We all make these promises to ourselves and friends about changing this or doing this, or stopping that. We can do that each and every day without needing a special reason for it. I agree it is a new start. Why can't it be a new start of the year where you are just going to be a better you. Not someone that reaches some perfect weight goal. Or quits smoking, or stops swearing or starts going to church. Those are choices we made every day. Placing an arbitrary starting line on your goal is paramount to setting a goal you really don't care about.

I say this because when I recognize when I am doing something I personally detest about myself I try to stop right then and there. I don't give myself the OH we can wait until Tomorrow and then wake up with a clean slate. But that is just me. The only goal I really have for this year is to try to continue to get along with the 'Rent. This is far easier to set as a goal than it is to achieve. She is a very unhappy person in a very scary place for her (I would have to believe) and takes target practice on those closest to her (as we all do) I am just tired of being that target. Hence My struggle.

I am not going to even PRETEND that at some point in our relationship since she birthed me that we had some sort of bond that got shattered. Nope. When you are the child of someone that has A) had her own crappy and perpetuated shitty upbringing in a home with less than caring shown her, and a genetic predisposition towards addiction... I shall leave that gem of joy for you to picture on your own. So her life has been hard and she would react to that based on the previous criteria. As you can imagine. Not so fabulous a way to try to be a mom. I will say that I believe she loved us the best and only way she knew how. As a product of that, I can say, thank got the Male 'Rent was the man he was. I cannot lie that I resent how unpleasant the task is of being her personal servant in the waning years. It is doubly so being as she is very ungrateful and rude at every given turn. Even when something good could come out of it, there is some way found to ensure that what joy there will be from this moment shall be trampled, urinated upon, and tossed out the window.

Our recent forced confinement due to my surgery and her medical condition. I would hope we could have spent time bonding and doing joyous holiday preparations for everyone. WRONG. And for some reason the seeds of bitter resentment are planted and flourishing rapidly to OVERTAKE THE LOGICAL THOUGHT processing brain. We have reached the point of no return where her thoughts are "I can express what I want, since I am old enough, and I will do it all over to anyone and everything with no filter. If you don't like it then YOU ARE WRONG because I AM RIGHT." This plays down to the level of ALL thought and behavior.

All daily interaction has taken on the feel of sitting down to a meal with a rabid bear in the room, and you need to consume your meal in record time before she attacks with some venomous comment that will kill your desire to eat and leave you emotionally weak and torn, Or angry and violent. Neither is a good choice.

My goal for the coming year is try to mitigate these situations so that I can survive through to the end and have at least a couple sweet memories and less anger.

Comments

  1. Much love to you. I can imagine how frustrating the situation is for you. In my own situation, I found that abandoning all hope for a peaceful resolution with my own mother.

    What I learned from my divorce from the WASband was, that it definitely takes two people working at it, to make a relationship float. Two people working towards a common goal... in this case, a peaceful, happier mother-daughter relationship. Each person has to GIVE as well as take. When dealing with TAKERS, that throws the paradigm off entirely. Takers take take take. They don't give. They do not replenish the well of good will.

    Abandoning hope and trying to shift things into neutral has helped me cope. Mentally disconnecting as it were.

    I've even taken to putting up a facade that our relationship IS a mother-daughter relationship. It must be working, I know she's mentioned something as such to my aunt. What she fails to realize it's all artifice. A ruse. Because I'm done giving and being there for her without reciprocity. It's far easier for me to put up a ruse that the relationship even exists, rather than doing what I need to do to totally "individuate," and cut her off entirely. But the collateral damage would be too great. So the ruse is in place. These days I'm far more neutral or aloof than in the not-so-distant past.

    Unlike your mom or mine for that matter, self preservation SURELY MUST kick in (for us) to survive.

    Blunt the abuse by whatever means necessary.

    ReplyDelete

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