Still Kicking
Well I am home and healing. Learned first hand what an allergic reaction is and that I now have them to certain antibiotics. My whole life I have been the N/A person on forms, apparently that is no longer true. But hey, we can just learn something new every day right? Right.
Thank goodness for certain family members who overall, are far more sane than others. My sister-in-law is a saint. I say this for two reasons, A) she really is an amazing person and B) she survived being married into this dysfunctional and bizarre cavalcade of shit we call a family. She warned me that after my surgery I would probably be a little crazy for about three months. I haven't been completely there but I am working on some good moment by moment insanity in my head that I have to keep beating back to reality.
The reality is that even before the surgery I was a little long in the tooth, as they say, to be birthing a child. And having done more research on a genetic predisposition we inherited through the family tree, getting pregnant was an up hill battle LONG before we ever really thought, "Hey, how come we have no chilren?". So overall this surgery was probably for the best and the issue I was having three years ago was apparently back in all of it's splendor plus some for good measure so, no I was not going to be carrying a child. The second reality for me is that for moments in time it hurts. A lot. The emotions may not be fair or reasonable but they are there. Inside I feel broken. It makes no sense, I am no different than I was before (Other than a groovy Frankensteinish cut along my abdomen) so common sense should make me recognize I am the same as I have been for 43 years, right? Wrong.
And I made the HERCULEAN MISTAKE of blurting out in front of the 'Rent in a moment of weakness that I was very sorry I had.
Me: "I am sorry, I just feel broken inside. I am completely aware that this is not rational, but I can't help it."
'Rent: "Well I should say this, but at least you never had children to have them taken away."
Conversation was over and I was out.
I cannot for a second imagine the pain of losing a child since I was apparently not granted access to the inner circle. And I cannot imagine what it takes for the 'Rent, to lose not one but three children in the course of her life, and still get up every day and function, but WOW could you be any colder? All I needed to hear was it is going to be OK. Nope. No way, No freaking HOW.
'Rent: Did you ever think there are places you can go and take kids out for a day and give parents a break?
Me: <inside my head> Wow, you really are fucking crazy. I am sure the Spouse and I can go to any home and total strangers will let us BABYSIT?????????
'Rent: You know you can go to an orphanage and take a child out for the day and show them things you like to do.
Me: <again, inside my head> Please stop talking! Holy Crap, What on earth could be more cruel than to go to an orphanage and just "rent-a-chil'" for the day?? If I do adopt a child it will not be on a part time basis. HELLO YOU CRAZY OLD BAT, WE HAD A DIABETIC DOG WE TOOK CARE OF FOR 13 YEARS AND REFUSED TO GET RID OF HER SO HAD A VERY HARD TIME FINDING A HOUSE IF YOU RECALL???? Do you really think I want to BORROW a child??? HAVE YOU LOST WHAT LITTLE MIND YOU HAVE?
ON WHAT PLANET WOULD THIS EVEN BE LEGAL?????
Me: "I am really wiped out, I am going to bed." and I left her with her wine.
Thank goodness for certain family members who overall, are far more sane than others. My sister-in-law is a saint. I say this for two reasons, A) she really is an amazing person and B) she survived being married into this dysfunctional and bizarre cavalcade of shit we call a family. She warned me that after my surgery I would probably be a little crazy for about three months. I haven't been completely there but I am working on some good moment by moment insanity in my head that I have to keep beating back to reality.
The reality is that even before the surgery I was a little long in the tooth, as they say, to be birthing a child. And having done more research on a genetic predisposition we inherited through the family tree, getting pregnant was an up hill battle LONG before we ever really thought, "Hey, how come we have no chilren?". So overall this surgery was probably for the best and the issue I was having three years ago was apparently back in all of it's splendor plus some for good measure so, no I was not going to be carrying a child. The second reality for me is that for moments in time it hurts. A lot. The emotions may not be fair or reasonable but they are there. Inside I feel broken. It makes no sense, I am no different than I was before (Other than a groovy Frankensteinish cut along my abdomen) so common sense should make me recognize I am the same as I have been for 43 years, right? Wrong.
And I made the HERCULEAN MISTAKE of blurting out in front of the 'Rent in a moment of weakness that I was very sorry I had.
Me: "I am sorry, I just feel broken inside. I am completely aware that this is not rational, but I can't help it."
'Rent: "Well I should say this, but at least you never had children to have them taken away."
Conversation was over and I was out.
I cannot for a second imagine the pain of losing a child since I was apparently not granted access to the inner circle. And I cannot imagine what it takes for the 'Rent, to lose not one but three children in the course of her life, and still get up every day and function, but WOW could you be any colder? All I needed to hear was it is going to be OK. Nope. No way, No freaking HOW.
'Rent: Did you ever think there are places you can go and take kids out for a day and give parents a break?
Me: <inside my head> Wow, you really are fucking crazy. I am sure the Spouse and I can go to any home and total strangers will let us BABYSIT?????????
'Rent: You know you can go to an orphanage and take a child out for the day and show them things you like to do.
Me: <again, inside my head> Please stop talking! Holy Crap, What on earth could be more cruel than to go to an orphanage and just "rent-a-chil'" for the day?? If I do adopt a child it will not be on a part time basis. HELLO YOU CRAZY OLD BAT, WE HAD A DIABETIC DOG WE TOOK CARE OF FOR 13 YEARS AND REFUSED TO GET RID OF HER SO HAD A VERY HARD TIME FINDING A HOUSE IF YOU RECALL???? Do you really think I want to BORROW a child??? HAVE YOU LOST WHAT LITTLE MIND YOU HAVE?
ON WHAT PLANET WOULD THIS EVEN BE LEGAL?????
Me: "I am really wiped out, I am going to bed." and I left her with her wine.
I suddenly feel the need to blurt out to the universe, "Face's 'rent is a CRAZY OLD BAT!!!!"
ReplyDelete"St. Drive By's Orphanage... come kick the tires. Take our orphans out for a test drive. Rent with the option to buy!"
ReplyDeletePS: The 'rent's comment is nearly Shakespearian... No... Tennyson said it I think:
ReplyDelete'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
So I guess in the 'rent's book, it's more painful to have had them and lost them, than for you and I to have never had them at all.
Still, selfish, cruel remark on her part.
The bottom line is, she cannot imagine what you're going through; and while you cannot imagine her loss, you can put yourself in her shoes and empathize.
Both of our mothers, among their other "endearing" traits, totally lack empathy (as well as perspective, self-awareness, tact...)