The never ending joy of Pet Ownership

I am sure that somewhere I have mentioned that we have a herd of pets. The herd is 3 LARGE dogs and 4 cats, and by large I mean, two dogs over 100 pounds. I love my herd. I really do, but when the herd decides that there shall be no sleep, then there shall be no sleep.

For anyone.

At any time.

Cats are naturally nocturnal so I can't really get too mad at them for the stupidity that abounds while they romp the night away on my head, on the bed, across any and all furniture etc. The cats tend to, when not running like hell screeching at each other hither and yon, to use me as their place of rest and or kneading spot. Most nights I can sleep through most of it.

Let us reflect on the last post, shall we. As I indicated, life recently has been mostly pain, gastrointestinal distress, lack of sleep, in general a miserable haze of sleep deprived SUCKAGE. Since I have stopped taking the offending medication, I am actually able to sleep through the night and quite well at that.

I will be totally frank here. I am a sleepaholic. I am not making fun of anyone with addiction issues. I am being completely real when I say sleep is my addiction of choice. There are few things that will get me out of my bunker of beddy-bye joy. A smoke alarm going off, a phone ringing after 10 PM because that is never a good news call, or an animal making a vomit sound.

Last evening, I no sooner snuggled down into my memory foam cradle of sleep bliss than one of my dogs lets out a horrific noise and proceeds to sound like he projectile vomits all over his crate.

Our cats hork all the time, and leave the offending fur-turd for retrieval at our convenience. Three of the four cats make almost NO NOISE when getting ill, so there is usually a surprise that you step in or locate in a moment of seeming normalcy horror.

Apparently our dogs make the most stupendous racket when getting ill because it woke me up out of a sound sleep last night. I was just on the cusp of deep sleep and hear a noise that can only be described as a garbage disposal with metal in it. Apparently this was the clearing of the throat portion of the puke-a-palloza we were gearing up for. 100 pound yellow lab mix in a crate, mouth open, emitting a garbage disposal throat clearing noise, and then expelling said production all over the inside of his crate.

Up I sit and on comes the light, look at the lab who is now shivering in his crate and think, "Oh crap." Get up, check in the crate and don't SEE anything so his blanket gets removed and washed. He gets walked outside and put on the lead we use to keep track of them. He is making what I like to refer to as his chuffing noise, which is the pre-garbage disposal noise meant to indicate distress of some kind. We don't pee, we don't evacuate our bowels, we don't puke. We do however run all over the yard looking for I don't know what, trying to eat something we get yelled at for going near (still no idea what that was) and generally making me more and more pissed that I had to leave my nest. EVENTUALLY we get back in the house and back into our crate. I hunker back into nirvana only to have the chuffing/horking/puking sound repeated for the next several hours about once every 30 to 45 minutes. No water wanted. Antacid consumed. Blankie dried and replaced. No drooling or additional behavior occurring to indicate the cause of this adventure  FINALLY at 3:45 we go back to sleep.

15 minutes later one of my cats begins the bang the cabinet door dance to get fed. This is followed by two of the other wee beasties kneading my shoulder and bladder at different intervals.

Needless to say, at 6:00AM when I got myself moving this morning I was very much questioning the sanity of having pets. There was no joy in my home from any of that last night. In fact it was the absolute opposite, a night of pet noise induced sleep deprivation. Thanks, Alex, I'll take, "Stupid shit your pets do." for $2,000.


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