A totally rational conversation.... I almost got that out without laughing

Yesterday was the BIG, go get all the information, sign the forms, and face the reality of looming surgery, day.

Overall, I was able to survive it. I did however have a moment that stopped me in my tracks and while I know damn well what a hysterectomy is and what the end results of said hysterectomy is, it was very hard to face the very kind pretty lady who hands me a form and states this says you are acknowledging we are sterilizing you,

Yes I am totally aware of that, however looking at it in writing, in capital letters with lines for you to sign an initial, caused a side trip to another place in my psyche reserved for my come apart moments in the privacy of my daily life that I tend to prevent witnesses from participating in.

So I smiled politely. I signed the form. I gave them blood. I spoke to the juice doctor who will be putting me under for the festivities and I am all set to be officially a closed down baby making factory. Mine was apparently scheduled to fold at this time, I just am having a hard time understanding it all from an emotional place.

So we got home, I got in bed and in the quiet of my mind I started to break into a million little fractures in pain, I know it will pass and this isn't horrible information, and I am going to be fine and in fact better than many women in my situation. It doesn't make it less terrifying or final.

Now about the rational conversation part of this. I called the 'Rent on the way home to try to express some of my pain in a clear manner,
'Rent: What's the matter?
Me: I didn't sleep.
'Rent: Neither did I, I am exhausted. Why didn't you sleep?
Me: I didn't sleep because I kept seeing this form that said STERILIZATION AUTHORIZATION on it. It makes it more than a little harsh and real. (but so is life so this should be nothing new)
'Rent: Well it is going to be fine. You just need to calm down and let it be what it is. (thank you Obie One)
Me: I realize that and no this isn't a life threatening issue. But it is LIFE CHANGING and I am not ready to just let it go.( I need to grieve. It will be over soon,. It is more what it represents which is the fast running journey into middle-aged-dom.)
'Rent: Well we will just have to get through this and you will be OK. This waiting is killing me.
Me: I can just imagine. <flat staring face here>
'Rent: Oh, well I would think perhaps the waiting and watching the clock is making this much harder on you since you are the one having the surgery.
Me:Probably. (Did she really just say that?)

I have banned her from the hospital and I am hoping she honors those wishes. I cannot come out of there after surgery and have to go back into indentured servitude on the range.


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