Stepping forward


I recently had a conversation with someone who said, "Just picking up and moving takes a lot of courage." and I agreed. Then I had to stop and think, because that is exactly what I did almost 7 years ago. If I really think about the decision at the time looking back, it didn't require courage at all. Someone I loved was hurting and I had to be where I could support them to the best of my ability, So I didn't see there as being a choice.The spousal unit and I just packed up our entire lives and drove 1,000 miles away from everyone and everything we have ever known and started over. There has been very little in the last 7 years that has been easy. But EVERYTHING in the last 7 years has been worth every second of struggle. And while I often need to medicate due to SOME choices, the over all result has been worth all of the bad choices and struggles combined.

I have had the greatest honor because of that choice, to watch my nieces become some of the most impressive women I know. They have more strength, grace, poise and dignity than any other person I know on this planet. Every minute I have been given with them since moving here has been an amazing gift. Since I can't have children of my own, and I don't think the spouse would agree at this point to adopt since we aren't getting any younger, I feel amazingly blessed to have had this time with them.

When put in that light, there was no courage needed at all. It wasn't even hard. It just WAS what we were going to do and did it. I don't see it as a sacrifice or something to be praised. It was simply an act of love. One would think that when you love people and they leave you whether physically or emotionally that sooner or later your supply would run out. There can't be enough to go around. The pain of loss MUST eventually overcome the supply of love we are born with, Right?

I have to admit that there have been times when I have wanted to shut myself off from the rest of life because I simply don't want to hurt anymore, EVER. It would be ever so much easier to stay in my shell and keep a separate existence from everyone. But shutting myself off from the immeasurable good in this life, to stop the moments of pain, would be selfish and pointless. I believe from the bottom of my being that we are the sum of ALL of our experiences. If we are aware enough and take the time to savor the bitter with the sweet we BECOME. In that Becoming, the well of love, or humanity, or whatever you want to call it is refilled. I find it my self appointed duty to share the stories, memories and past of who I am with people because I want to help color their lives the way mine has been by each soul who has passed through.

And amazingly I seem to find my love in my heart for the souls who pass through my hours, days and years. I am so glad there is always more. I would hate to think that my driving force of love for my family would have to be second guessed because I had to decide if I had Courage enough to change. I don't think stepping forward in life should take courage, as long as you do it willing to take a chance to increase the gift of love in your life.

This installment is 1000% dedicated to the wonderful souls who brought me to my current place and fill my life and soul with joy and love. 

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