Keeping Mom from making a scene. . . .

So the adventure of this weekend was I got to make an escape for a few days with some friends. But as we all know, there is ALWAYS A PRICE TO PAY for that freedom. Taking an additional day off to spend with my spouse and catch up on laundry, sleep etc. I must have been doing some serious 'shroomage or something, because THAT didn't happen.

Nope, My day was "CLAIMED" by Mom. ALL of the things my sister offered to help with, NOPE, we had to wait for ME. Because as far as personal step and fetch action goes, I am the tops, apparently.

I did get to sleep in until 9, and then the day got under way. We went shoe shopping, with me pushing her wheelchair, in a shoe store, with small isles, and two purses to hold because she couldn't hold hers. Maneuvering issues were a challenge and joy.

Then on to go get my nails done, while she waited in the car, watching through the window like a dog waiting for their owner to come back,(not to awkward or anything). I offered to wait and go last evening after we finished up her errands, NOPE. Apparently making sure I have my teeth set on edge all day is the plan of action. . .

On to an arts and craft store so I could go in and buy her candles, which of course, I bought the wrong ones. They were the ONLY ONES they had. They were still wrong.. . . . The upside, my mother has been imitating the pig commercials, with the Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, so she got two pinwheels yesterday.

Last on the list of the day. . . .Let us go to a giant Members only shopping mega-lo-mart. This is where the real fun begins. This is usually my version of "Supermarket Sweep". Those of you not familiar with this lovely little TV game show, let me sum it up. People bid on grocery items, then based on how accurate they are they get TIME, they used this time to take a cart and RACE around a stocked grocery store to accumulate merchandise trying to come up with the highest total in their cart to WIN the show. My version is to run hither and yon in the mega-lo-mart to obtain certain items from Mom's list (that is not sectioned by store isles or even areas) and return to where ever she may NOW BE, because she is a moving target, and deposit the obtained items in the still moving basket of her electric cart. I then get the next item on the list to go and retrieve and bring back. Yesterday we got all the way to the FAR corner of the store at which time I am told, "we should have gotten a second cart." so I had to trek BACK to the entrance, get a new cart and locate the roving menace on her electric cart. Let me explain that her skills on the driving of said cart are lacking at best. When the back up beeper starts it is every man for himself. . . .

SO we wrap up the hour of torture, and then go to check out. We ring up the entire pile o'crap, run Mom's card thought, get the ordered approved and POOF, the machine won't print a receipt. Apparently this is ODD, so they have to take us off to the Customer Service desk. It is at this point that I notice that Mom has "the Look" on her face. This look is the face of utter disgust that can be viewed from miles away and tell you that the "Uber Old Woman, I am nasty and not afraid to use it" is about to come out. I turn to look at her an utter something like. "Don't!" and calmly wait for someone to reprint our receipt, because you can't leave without them looking at your receipt. Well we wait, and wait. The look gets worse, I again pull the "STOP IT" card.

Mega-lo-mart,"We can't help you, because we have checked the system three time and can't locate the order. So you are going to have to let the charge go through and come back and show us how it posted and then we can do something about it. Or we can re-ring your order" Um, no.
The twisted up angry face becomes more pronounced.
I suggest we call the bank and see if they have the total for the order at the bank against the account.
We call the bank, the order total is pending.
Per the less than helpful bank employee,"We can't help you, you have to let the order post and then take it up with the store." Yeah, that isn't happening. Mom hangs up and cranks up the look.. . .
Me to Mom, "Stop it! (with the face) Get a manager at the bank on the phone and give the phone to me."
Me to bank manager, "Hi, Please try to assist us if you can? The order has been rung up, they won't print a receipt because they have checked their system three times and don't see it, so I really need to see if you can stop this pending payment."
Bank manager. "We can do that. . . . OK, the pending payment has been stopped."
Meanwhile in the back ground behind me standing at the service desk Mom has taken the electric cart and is playing Zamboni behind me. Literally, doing donuts and backing up at random. No idea what she was doing other than trying to take out some unsuspecting patron.
Order gets rung up, we take the receipt and get going, Crisis averted by not allowing Mom to behave as if the world is coming to an end because a piece of electronic equipment failed. . . .

And so the couple of hours I thought I would have to dedicate to Mom ended up being the whole day, including help putting up some of the food in food saver bags. "Help me" translates to "DO THIS FOR ME." It was a stellar day.


  1. Imagine that, with big bloated feet & legs, and insulin syringes to be filled by someone else, a la the "Help me" routine, and that pretty much sums up my mother.

    I love the "Uber Old Woman, I am nasty and not afraid to use it." Sums it up lovely. I remember when bill collectors would call about some of dad's accounts, and mom wouldn't even attempt to be polite, "Look, what part of HE'S DEAD don't you get? He's DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD!!!"

  2. PS: For what it's worth... I don't watch it anymore, but I used to love watching Supermarket Sweep with my dad:)


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