Defining a Soul
If you had to stop and define yourself, could you? In a way that people could understand? I mean TRULY understand? Put themselves in your shoes and feel your joys, emotional pains, hurts, hopes, dreams, losses, scars that never fully heal? Every ugly word said to you in ignorance, because lets face it, as kids we are all ignorant and say stupid shit. What we forget is that as much as what we hear hurts? Yeah, that crap spewing out of your mouth, that is doing the same ugly shit to someone else's psyche.
I know I can't define myself in a way that anyone else can understand because they don't live in my head. I know I am the sum of every good and bad thing in my life. I know some days I suck as a human being, but with luck and grace I get to wake up and try again tomorrow. I am more than the bag of skin, fat, bones and minerals I walk around in. I chose to be kind. I chose to try to use my brain each day to learn something new. I like to make my friends laugh, because laughter to me is the greatest sound in the world. I ALWAYS try to do the right thing, even when it sucks. I do what I feel in my heart is right because of how I was raised and the values I was shown. I like people and generally give folks the benefit of the doubt until they give me a reason not to. I DO NOT JUDGE other people based on appearance, lifestyle choice, religion, anything. If I end up not being a fan, generally it means you and I just don't have the same basic human value system. No harm no foul, you go your way I go mine.
Among my values is being true to WHO I AM IN MY HEART AND HEAD. I can only do that if I accept people for who they are. Warts and all. If I allow someone into my life it is without judgement or reservation. I don't care who you love. I don't care who you vote for. I don't care if you are rich or poor. What matters to me are the intangibles and that is all that will ever matter to me, the soul of the person.
What boggles my mind and hurts my heart is to see someone struggle each day just to try and be who they are. Don't get me wrong, I am not so ignorant to be unaware that there are people who live to be a lightening rod for controversy, but I think most people just want to live their lives with the least amount of angst possible. For anyone to take a breath and say I am "XYZ" regardless of what it is, they should not be treated like they have the plague. They should be embraced for being brave and willing to put themselves out there as WHO THEY ARE.
If the persons so busy pointing fingers and feeling superior would stop and think for two seconds their NEED TO BE RIGHT might not so over power rational thought. Perhaps it might dawn on their Glowing Perfection that NO ONE WOULD CHOSE to be vilified, threatened for being different, hated irrationally, feared, or worse yet, have friends and loved ones turn their backs on them for not being (GASP) who they thought the offender was. Or rather who they BELIEVE THE OFFENDER SHOULD BE BECAUSE IT FITS THEIR EXPECTATIONS.
My message is that we should not HAVE EXPECTATIONS of who people are. Fat, Skinny, Smart, Silly, Vapid, Rich, Poor, Gay, Straight, Transgender, Muslim, Catholic, Hindu, Southern Baptist, Democrat, Republican, HIV positive. . . . WHO CARES? Are they putting you in direct harm by living their lives day to day? Does what they do have ANY impact on you, unless it is the loss of their input in your life because you are TOO FREAKING STUPID TO SEE BEYOND THE END OF YOUR OWN EGO TO EMBRACE THE PERSON.
I know I can't define myself in a way that anyone else can understand because they don't live in my head. I know I am the sum of every good and bad thing in my life. I know some days I suck as a human being, but with luck and grace I get to wake up and try again tomorrow. I am more than the bag of skin, fat, bones and minerals I walk around in. I chose to be kind. I chose to try to use my brain each day to learn something new. I like to make my friends laugh, because laughter to me is the greatest sound in the world. I ALWAYS try to do the right thing, even when it sucks. I do what I feel in my heart is right because of how I was raised and the values I was shown. I like people and generally give folks the benefit of the doubt until they give me a reason not to. I DO NOT JUDGE other people based on appearance, lifestyle choice, religion, anything. If I end up not being a fan, generally it means you and I just don't have the same basic human value system. No harm no foul, you go your way I go mine.
Among my values is being true to WHO I AM IN MY HEART AND HEAD. I can only do that if I accept people for who they are. Warts and all. If I allow someone into my life it is without judgement or reservation. I don't care who you love. I don't care who you vote for. I don't care if you are rich or poor. What matters to me are the intangibles and that is all that will ever matter to me, the soul of the person.
What boggles my mind and hurts my heart is to see someone struggle each day just to try and be who they are. Don't get me wrong, I am not so ignorant to be unaware that there are people who live to be a lightening rod for controversy, but I think most people just want to live their lives with the least amount of angst possible. For anyone to take a breath and say I am "XYZ" regardless of what it is, they should not be treated like they have the plague. They should be embraced for being brave and willing to put themselves out there as WHO THEY ARE.
If the persons so busy pointing fingers and feeling superior would stop and think for two seconds their NEED TO BE RIGHT might not so over power rational thought. Perhaps it might dawn on their Glowing Perfection that NO ONE WOULD CHOSE to be vilified, threatened for being different, hated irrationally, feared, or worse yet, have friends and loved ones turn their backs on them for not being (GASP) who they thought the offender was. Or rather who they BELIEVE THE OFFENDER SHOULD BE BECAUSE IT FITS THEIR EXPECTATIONS.
My message is that we should not HAVE EXPECTATIONS of who people are. Fat, Skinny, Smart, Silly, Vapid, Rich, Poor, Gay, Straight, Transgender, Muslim, Catholic, Hindu, Southern Baptist, Democrat, Republican, HIV positive. . . . WHO CARES? Are they putting you in direct harm by living their lives day to day? Does what they do have ANY impact on you, unless it is the loss of their input in your life because you are TOO FREAKING STUPID TO SEE BEYOND THE END OF YOUR OWN EGO TO EMBRACE THE PERSON.
I rarely indulge in the trap of "I am such and such..." Rather, for me, it's always a baffling, "I am?" (I exist?)
ReplyDeleteSo much of what you posted here rings so damned true to what I've been experiencing for the last month. He tends to cycle in and out of this hyper critical mode. I wonder if he's got Aspergers or something (in all seriousness). Like visual clutter is his trigger or something, hence the need to have everything so tightly regimented.
In my defense, I have never deviated from being my authentic self (it's really so much easier to do than to be pretentious or artificial all for personal gain. I was fat, fucked up, with a fucked up family, and a shitty house keeper before he married me. I have not deviated one iota from this.
It's unrealistic to think that one person can will another person to be someone totally different than who they are at their core. He fails to realize this.
And while, yes, I acknowledge that there are facets of being a human which I totally fail at, I do not define myself as a failure entirely, and do not put all that much emphasis on those short comings. Life is too short to dwell on the minutiae. Again, another thing he fails to realize.
I've got too much invested at this point to just walk way, and start all over (AGAIN!!!!); however, if he were to come home and say, "I'm done," there is a modicum of relief I get from that... well relief from the sanity-altering shit storm that happens in the immediate aftermath of a marriage imploding. Survived it once. Not looking forward to doing this again; however, I'm hopeful to be left with a modest nest egg to show for my years of service.
Not ideal, I'll agree. In the meantime, I acknowledge that happiness is not a permanent state of being. My metaphor I'm trying to cobble together here is, happiness is like that synapse or space between rain drops, with the raindrops being bullshit or grief. And life, for me, very much so, is like running between the rain drops. And occasionally? A sunny day totally catches me off guard.