Gotta Love the 'Rent

We were invited to an Engagement Party/Wedding Shower of a family friend. I tell you this to set the scene, this is no judgement and in fact very sweet that we were included. When I say we, I mean the spousal unit, the 'Rent and myself. Since the Shower was not taking place until 7 PM the 'Rent informs me that she would like to get her nails did before the Shower, and while 7PM is later than most Bridal Showers, we can obviously go get that done and then go to the Shower. Because I always get my nails done before going to a nice party, as in IMMEDIATELY BEFORE going to a nice party. But this is the 'Rent after all, and nothing ever really makes any sense to me because as I have stated her logic train has no doors.

My spouse, not being one for large occasions of this nature is driving us to the salon and then the Shower. He has apparently launched the "Let's scare the living shit out the the 'Rent-in-law campaign by driving like a mad man in my little stick shift car. Of note, the 'Rent has no core strength so every time you shift or break she bounces around in the seat, held in place by the seat belt, like a bag of sand with no control other than to be upright. It was a very jerky ride.......

We get to the salon at 6 PM and the spouse drops us off and goes to patiently sit in the car and wait for this bizarre plan to play out. They cranked right through our fills, 20 minutes start to finish, and in keeping with our attention seeking behavior we whip out and pull on the SARS mask to keep from breathing in the fumes. If I had to guess it MIGHT block the dust but I can't imagine it is stops any fume-age which is what she is whining about. So we look like a total ass on the wrong side of the nail tech table. She does not get the cuticle oil because she does not want to walk to the back of the salon. Even with her faithful pack mule hauling all of her shit for her, apparently the 10 feet to the sink was just too much to handle, because we only have the wheelchair for the Shower and she won't have to walk anywhere for the remainder of the evening.

As we sit patiently waiting for the spouse to pull the car up, I get asked, "can we stop at (insert grocery store name here) and get some bread and deli meats. Um, We are on the way to a party, it is 80 degrees out, we have nothing to put the deli meat in and she says, "It will be fine." FOR WHO? I think eating deli meat or cheese that is going to sit in a warm (see hot) car for two hours is a dangerous idea. Thanks for playing, you get NOTHING but a visit from Sam&Ella. I shall pass. I would point out that until we had this slight delay waiting for the car to pull up she had not mentioned at ANY given time that she wanted to get groceries. Had this conversation taken place we might have had the foresight to put a cooler in the car and or LEAVE A LITTLE EARLIER for the party to allow shopping time.

Side bar dear reader.... The 'Rent has dentures. That don't fit properly. That she hates and very rarely wears. I get that they cause her discomfort, and frankly I don't care. Dental hygiene being what it is in today's day and age, it isn't like she is the only person we come into contact with that doesn't have great (or any) teeth. Why is this important you might ask? Because the 'Rent is obsessed with what the perception of people around her IS of her. So no teeth <GASP> is horror of horrors. There is one problem, they hurt. So we don't wear them until we are going somewhere. So she is now using an important part of her oxygen concentrator carrying paraphernalia as a giant holder for her false teeth. While gathering up the pack mule SHIT I get informed I now have to carry the one item FLAT because her teeth are in it.GREAT. So now I am carrying all of the items needed to keep her breathing AND her teeth (but not the charger for the oxygen concentrator because teeth need to go into the bag. WTF is that?

So as we get closer to this home for the Shower I hand her the bag with her teeth in them from the back seat about 5 minutes away and tell her to go ahead and put them in. No, We have to wait until we pull up outside the door of what is at least a million dollar home. We then open the door of the car, hold out our upper plate, spraying the denture adhesive all over the plate and the driveway before inserting our teeth.

REALLY?????????????? YOU HAD TO OPEN THE CAR DOOR HERE AND MAKE A DISPLAY IN THE DRIVEWAY OF PUTTING YOUR TEETH IN? I have no words. You care more than any person I know to never look foolish or not the supercilious asshole of the day and you PUT YOUR TEETH IN, SITTING THREE FEET AWAY FROM A FRONT DOOR AND LOOK LIKE A CRAZY WHITE TRASH OLD BAT????????

Somehow no one arrived or came out the door at this moment, so the spouse and I are the only witnesses to this astounding display of HOLY SHIT....... We get inside and the 'Rent decides that she is not going to eat, but she sure as shit is going to consume some wine. Good times kids.

We get done and are less than a mile down the road and the grocery store issue comes up again. So at 9 PM I am shopping for deli meat, which I might add, made me the popular customer of the day with the deli people.

I think overall the evening was a success other than the whole teeth insertion in the middle of the driveway with the car wide open thing.. . . No freaking words.


  1. Protip for The Mags: The dentures would fit better if she wore them regularly. When you don't wear them regularly, your gums tend to shrink/retract/whatever and the overall shape of your palate/gums changes. She's got no one to blame but herself for the fact they don't fit.

    And the public display of denture-tude? Oh yes. We got that. My mother is very self-conscious of her teeth/dentures, so much so when she finally got dentures, she had them made to look UNLIKE her natural teeth (she always had a gap--it's a family thing, my grandmother had it, my sister has it, now mom doesn't). Anyway, I remember vividly the last Thanksgiving I attended (2 yrs ago?) where she was eating asparagus and made a big deal about something being under her dentures. INDISCREETLY. AT THE TABLE. SHE. YANKS. OUT. HER. DENTURES. Then proceeded to spend the rest of the meal without them in, face all sunken in, her looking all pitiful.

    As if that were not bad enough, and when folks went back to their conversations, which may or may not have included her, she then starts to blurt out, an anecdote about The Great Tampon Debacle of 1981.

    Shame? These women know nothing of the word.


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