Epic Asshat Interaction

There haven't been too many times in my life where I thought, HOLY SHIT is this for real? Where is the camera, because I must be on Candid Camera (or Punk'd for those of the under 30 set). Yesterday was one of those days. For the record, my dear, dear, dear friend has this on any family event. For the love of all that is holy please bless her with your prayers because I promise you, there is nothing to compare to what, or I should say, WHO I met yesterday.

My friend's child was graduating High School yesterday. He is her one and only, she is dealing with in-laws, out-laws, and step-laws.... you name it, so to say it was going to be a mixed bag is an understatement. As with any family there is, of course, dysfunction. Apparently there is a certain member of this small sub-sect of hers who has been studied and defined in order for the definition to be honed to perfection.

For the last several weeks my friend has been torturing herself. She wants to please everyone with no thought to the fact that as the 'rent of the graduate she is entitled to kick back a little. This is her day as much as it is the child's. Truth be told, I am a lazy ass. I should have, as a good friend, gone to her house, helped her clean, and made sure she was aware and present in the moment, rather than show up the day of, encourage her to relax and be astounded at the insanity.

That being said, I went with option number two. She never asked me for more, but as a good friend and knowing her stress . . . well that is another blog for another self loathing day.

So I leave work half day and arrive before any family, but I have to work from her couch because, while not the center of the universe, I am of course, the gravitational pull for the center of the universe, so no one would be able to accomplish anything if I was not present for all calls, meetings, emails, etc.

While ensconced on her couch working, the family arrives. Her charming 'rent, beautiful and kind sibling and the spousal unit of the 'rent (SUO'R). I have heard tales of these kin, but amazingly in 6 years we have never met for more than a couple of minutes. They are exactly what she said they were and then some......

I don't know how anyone else interacts with people on their first meeting, but I generally make small talk. Obviously by previous posts, most people don't reciprocate. And this would be NO EXCEPTION. The 'rent and sibling immediately go into "what can I do to help you and keep you off the ledge" mode. Apparently the SUO'R went into "I am going to search my brain for the most awkward and inappropriate comment I can make and use that in my opening conversation gambit."

In reality the conversation must have been a carry over from the ride to the graduation event, and I say this, because when I tuned into the conversation while working, the SUO'R was apparently surfing the interwebs on his phone for vacation deals. Having just come back from vacation, this seemed innocuous enough, alas I was misinformed. I am then brought into the conversation by the SUO'R with the information that the first time they went to Jamaica they were able to purchase a large amount of ganja for next to nothing (30 years ago). Excuse me? Yes, you read that correctly. I don't know this person but for about 5 minutes and I learned ALL ABOUT the recreational activities of their vacation.

Let me explain, I am not a prude, and I don't care who has done what, when. I really don't. I simply was not mentally prepared for the immediate plunge into the pot conversation after the words, HELLO, NICE TO MEET YOU. While having been warned via anecdotal stories of the SUO'R, I really didn't gird my loins sufficiently for that. I don't know that any amount of time would have prepared me for that. The BLANK FACE was intermixed with froze-awkward-smile face along with the I-am-paying-attention-to-what-you- are-saying-because-on-some-primal-level-you-scare-the-shit-out-of-me-with-your-creepy-eyes face.

Apparently this conversation was just the warm up for the actual ceremony. I remained behind awaiting the triumphant return only to hear that during the ceremony, one of the speakers said something to the effect of "nothing in life is free". I think we would agree that for the most part that is a fair statement. Apparently the SUO'R took that moment to voice his political opinion loud and proud by saying, "Not according to your President". Holy shit dude! Seriously? A high school graduation should not be the moment to let your ass shine. Ever. The day was about the child and that child's 'rents. All of the children and their 'rents.

As I said, this was an Asshat Interaction of Epic proportions. I don't know if I will ever see the like again. I think that rumors and whisperings of this will live through the decades. I got to escape to the relative safety of home and hearth and my own brand of insanity, which I will take any day over that shit I can tell you. For my friend who I know will read this, there are prayers and well wishes of peace raining upon you with every breath in my body. Because HOLY SHIT WOMAN. NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT AND THE EX-SPOUSE AND ALL OF THE INSANITY. Just sayin.


  1. Sad to report, this stuff doesn't even shock me anymore (the obtuseness and inappropriateness of others). The direction that society (such as it is) is going in at the moment doesn't bode well for anyone with even a modicum of home training/good manners. No one knows time-and-place appropriateness, no one knows when to just smile and STFU, that the whole world does NOT revolve around them and their very narrow world view. Had it been me being on the receiving end of the SOU'R's inappropriateness, I would have said, "Thanks for sharing the TMI. I think I'll reciprocate. Never eat a half pound of pistaschios with a grape kool-aid chaser. Just don't."

  2. "froze-awkward-smile face"



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