How to balance insanity?
The balancing act between the roll of being a child and spouse in one abode is a rickety, rotted bridge to hell. This is usually a smooth paved road unless you make the fateful mistake of moving the 'rent in with you. Until that time, you have the luxury of space and avoidance in your favor. Once you share a roof, you are SCREWED. I know this first hand and while I am doing what I promised I would do, I suggest you look at the long term return on your promises because believe me, the coin for the ferry man is STEEP.
The only advice I would offer up at this date, since more and more of you are going to be facing the same choice I have made is I hope you can put the 'rents up elsewhere. Even being best friends with your 'rents, don't move them in with you if you have a choice. JUST. DON'T. DO. IT. If you value your sanity, and your marriage, walk away. Hell, let them disown you, they will eventually forgive and forget, and with any luck by that time they will be living elsewhere.
I know I sound bitter, and I don't want to, but I do. I am caught between a rock and a psycho. The hard place would probably be a feather bed compared to the granite that makes up my mother's thought process. This often means trying to act as a mediator and peace keeper, neither of which I excel at. Frankly, I suck at it, being the blunt person I am, it usually fails and indeed makes things worse. *completely unrelated but sort of relevant to the whole story, the house, mortgage etc is in my name, and no "Dues" are paid for the living situation. *
Until recently and to the 'rent's face, my spouse is kind and considerate, and usually even when not in her company, retains some of that. I know I have mentioned that she is crazy, well that would be like saying the Atlantic Ocean is wet. As she has become more and more dependent upon us, she has accelerated the level of emotional draining she does in a sitting, which wears me down and in turn wears on the kindness of my spouse like acid on a wound. She is not unable to do for herself, she can and does when no one is there to see it, Tree/Woods theory, but if you are there you are her bitch. Her patience level is getting lower and lower and when she wants something done, you best drop whatever the hell you are doing, and HOP TO, because it WILL BE done NOW!
If I was a full time care giver and didn't work a 10 hour day, an hour drive away from the house, I don't think I would be happy, but I don't think I would be at the NEXT LEVEL OF XANAX level either. My spouse works opposite hours, so we physically SEE each other for about 30 minutes a day 5 out of 7 days a week. Needless to say, is our house the show place we would aspire to? Not so much. In point of fact, it is clean, we try to keep it as nice as possible, but we are both tired, and all spare time is given over to doing for her, because of course I could not have ANYTHING TO DO in my house on my days off. (see cleaning, sleeping, cooking, or basically living my life).
The last year or so, she has gotten a wild hair up her ass about power washing the house. We don't own a power washer, and in light of the rest of life's daily grind, it just doesn't seem to be a priority for us. Apparently for her, it is an all consuming, burning, NEED THAT MUST BE SATISFIED AT ALL COSTS. A "one and done" power washer was purchased for, and returned BY my spouse. He is a mechanically inclined person, don't buy him crap and expect him to be grateful that you bought him substandard equipment to do a job that ONLY YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH SEEING DONE. We have tried to patiently and politely advise her we would get to it when we get to it, and to not worry about it, (See, MIND YOUR OWN BIDNESS YOU CRAZY OLD BAT!).
This was all brought to a screeching halt today when she asked our neighbors who we adore and appreciate more than words, if she (oxygen concentrator bound she) could borrow their power washer to have our visiting Uncle pressure wash the house. And so our story takes an ugly turn. What she fails to realize in her zealot driven desire to see the house pressure washed is that she has now made my spouse upset. Why you ask? Because this is a task that he and I are both VERY AWARE OF, and had every intention of getting around to, but because SHE WANTED IT DONE NOW, she has pointed out a failing, At least that is how my spouse sees it. I get the standpoint because frankly if she had NEVER said a word and just did it, and said HAPPY BLAH BLAH BLAH, no one would have cared. This stupid pressure washing of the house has been like an obsession of the magnitude of "Precious", so seriously? It is kind of like a slap.
Now the fun rickety, rotten bridge part for me. How do I thank her and stroke her ego because I know in her mind she is thinking "LOOK AT WHAT I GOT DONE FOR YOU.", when I know he is going to be sullen, and get him to be grateful when I know his pride is wounded? And quite frankly I don't like being in the middle or having to stroke her ego either. NO ONE CARED IF THE HOUSE GOT WASHED but her. So I am stuck, and so not looking forward to going home. This is an "I wish I was an alcoholic barfly" kind of night. I can feel it already.
The only advice I would offer up at this date, since more and more of you are going to be facing the same choice I have made is I hope you can put the 'rents up elsewhere. Even being best friends with your 'rents, don't move them in with you if you have a choice. JUST. DON'T. DO. IT. If you value your sanity, and your marriage, walk away. Hell, let them disown you, they will eventually forgive and forget, and with any luck by that time they will be living elsewhere.
I know I sound bitter, and I don't want to, but I do. I am caught between a rock and a psycho. The hard place would probably be a feather bed compared to the granite that makes up my mother's thought process. This often means trying to act as a mediator and peace keeper, neither of which I excel at. Frankly, I suck at it, being the blunt person I am, it usually fails and indeed makes things worse. *completely unrelated but sort of relevant to the whole story, the house, mortgage etc is in my name, and no "Dues" are paid for the living situation. *
Until recently and to the 'rent's face, my spouse is kind and considerate, and usually even when not in her company, retains some of that. I know I have mentioned that she is crazy, well that would be like saying the Atlantic Ocean is wet. As she has become more and more dependent upon us, she has accelerated the level of emotional draining she does in a sitting, which wears me down and in turn wears on the kindness of my spouse like acid on a wound. She is not unable to do for herself, she can and does when no one is there to see it, Tree/Woods theory, but if you are there you are her bitch. Her patience level is getting lower and lower and when she wants something done, you best drop whatever the hell you are doing, and HOP TO, because it WILL BE done NOW!
If I was a full time care giver and didn't work a 10 hour day, an hour drive away from the house, I don't think I would be happy, but I don't think I would be at the NEXT LEVEL OF XANAX level either. My spouse works opposite hours, so we physically SEE each other for about 30 minutes a day 5 out of 7 days a week. Needless to say, is our house the show place we would aspire to? Not so much. In point of fact, it is clean, we try to keep it as nice as possible, but we are both tired, and all spare time is given over to doing for her, because of course I could not have ANYTHING TO DO in my house on my days off. (see cleaning, sleeping, cooking, or basically living my life).
The last year or so, she has gotten a wild hair up her ass about power washing the house. We don't own a power washer, and in light of the rest of life's daily grind, it just doesn't seem to be a priority for us. Apparently for her, it is an all consuming, burning, NEED THAT MUST BE SATISFIED AT ALL COSTS. A "one and done" power washer was purchased for, and returned BY my spouse. He is a mechanically inclined person, don't buy him crap and expect him to be grateful that you bought him substandard equipment to do a job that ONLY YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH SEEING DONE. We have tried to patiently and politely advise her we would get to it when we get to it, and to not worry about it, (See, MIND YOUR OWN BIDNESS YOU CRAZY OLD BAT!).
This was all brought to a screeching halt today when she asked our neighbors who we adore and appreciate more than words, if she (oxygen concentrator bound she) could borrow their power washer to have our visiting Uncle pressure wash the house. And so our story takes an ugly turn. What she fails to realize in her zealot driven desire to see the house pressure washed is that she has now made my spouse upset. Why you ask? Because this is a task that he and I are both VERY AWARE OF, and had every intention of getting around to, but because SHE WANTED IT DONE NOW, she has pointed out a failing, At least that is how my spouse sees it. I get the standpoint because frankly if she had NEVER said a word and just did it, and said HAPPY BLAH BLAH BLAH, no one would have cared. This stupid pressure washing of the house has been like an obsession of the magnitude of "Precious", so seriously? It is kind of like a slap.
Now the fun rickety, rotten bridge part for me. How do I thank her and stroke her ego because I know in her mind she is thinking "LOOK AT WHAT I GOT DONE FOR YOU.", when I know he is going to be sullen, and get him to be grateful when I know his pride is wounded? And quite frankly I don't like being in the middle or having to stroke her ego either. NO ONE CARED IF THE HOUSE GOT WASHED but her. So I am stuck, and so not looking forward to going home. This is an "I wish I was an alcoholic barfly" kind of night. I can feel it already.
You DO NOT thank her and stroke her ego. You tell her plainly that you don't take kindly to her undermining you and your husband. And remind her that for all intents and purposes she is an INVITED GUEST in your house.
ReplyDeleteAlso couldn't hurt to mindfuck her a bit and leave some pamphlets for local nursing homes on your coffee table, conspicuously.
Furthermore, I'd make myself scarce at home. Delay coming home by 15 minutes for a week, then a half hour. Build upon this. Do the slow fade. Maintain your independence, your sense of self.
Put her in a time out is what I'm saying here. Take away the one thing that gives her joy: the step-n-fetchin'. She's able to do for herself, so make her do it. Tough love.
My mom wore the fuck out of my dad who, let's face it, was sicker than sick, and progressively got sicker over the last 17 yrs of his life. I recall vividly summer of 2006 she JUST HAD TO HAVE HER KITCHEN CABINETS PAINTED NOW DAMNIT! in the dead of summer, no AC, because post-hysterectomy she was always HOT, so poor dad had to sweat his balls off to accommodate her. Summer of 2006 was the summer he should have died, had it not been for my sister who was summoned, who showed up and forced honey in his foodhole, screaming at him, "Don't leave us." Oh yes, such drama.
And yet? Didn't change a damned thing. She continued to put unreasonable demands upon him, because looking at him, you'd never think HE was the sick one.
The Cliffnotes: since dad passed in 2008 she has done a considerable amount of things for herself (namely her laundry which has to be done daily), cleaning up after herself, figuring out how to use the internet for grocery shopping, having a house keeper come in once a week, and my b-i-l comes over on trash days to take out/bring in her garbage cans. EOS.
Your husband is your priority. The 'rent? Not so much. It's truly a blessing to have a husband who does so much for your mom, when obviously she doesn't appreciate him or you for that matter, and for a husband to do what he does with a minimum of grousing about it, too.
So put the 'rent in a time out. Identify and define clear limits for her. In no uncertain terms. Like you would to a child.
Additionally, I'd have a nice talk with your neighbors and tell them under no uncertain terms are they to loan your mom any type of equipment or assist your mom in getting stuff done around your house. Use the wording of your choice, but there are limits here. You are the home owner. Both your mom and your neighbor need to respect that.
I can agree with all except the neighbor, they did it because it was kind and that is who they are. It was presented as a "gift" in intent. I can't find any fault with them for being kind. Seriously. They are awesome. It is hard not to be caught in the tsunami of crazy.
ReplyDeleteI think I love Maven. I pretty much agree with what she said. Time out for mom sounds like a good idea. You won't be doing anyone any good if you have a breakdown and end up drooling in a corner.
ReplyDelete